Thursday, October 4, 2007

Sweet Surrender

I am the parent, the adult and there I was ranting and raving like a loon. I wanted to have a big ole' fat tantrum, kick and scream and yell bad mean words. My anger welled up and I wanted to lash out. It seems that no matter how organized I am there are some mornings that we just can't get it together. Like a spoiled apple once one goes the rest are right behind. Yesterday was one of those mornings.

Once the kids were at school and I was on the road to the Bower the pain and frustration hit with the force of a freight train. I questioned my calling, my life, my God. Was this really His plan? What would make me think that I could help these children? On and on I went berating myself, beating myself up, questioning my path and my faith.

I pulled up at the Bower, cut the engine and stepped out of the truck. As I did a weight fell from my shoulders and I was able to take a deep breath for the first time all morning. I grabbed a halter and headed for the pasture. Beauty and an overwhelming feeling of peace surrounded me as I made my way thought the fields.

I found my mare grazing in a wooded area with dappled sunlight sprinkling down on her. As I neared her she looked up at me with her soft brown eyes and walked toward me. When I was close she reached her nose out and leaned her head against me. As I rested my head on hers the last few dregs of pain and frustration drained away. I rested against my beautiful grey girl and just breathed. Her name, Angel's Gift, is really a description rather than a title. Thank you Gyps, my sister, my angel.

John Denver sings in his song "Sweet Surrender" (one of my many favorites)

And I dont know what the future is holdin in store

I dont know where Im goin, Im not sure where Ive been

Theres a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me

My life is worth the livin, I dont need to see the end

Sweet, sweet surrender

With my best friend in the round pen doing what she does so well, my beautiful "gift" trotting gracefully around me, the multitude of gifts from God assaulting my senses and a peace in my heart that comes from walking through the storm and seeing the rainbow on the other side. How could I do anything but surrender and know it's all in His hands.

Enjoy the moment, step forward in faith and know that if you stumble there is always an Angel to catch you and God to heal the wounds.